A New Dawn

Bleak night shall pass & will see new Dawn -Hafiz Shirazi #Covid_19 #Balochistan #Love

Marriage of Convenience, Contract & MOU!!!!

It was relaxing last day of the working week, one of my friends raised her eyebrows when I mentioned that marriage is a contract and engagement is Memorandum of Understanding. She felt my words were bit too crude.............Well it made me think. I still remember, back at business school, one of the Harvard School of Law graduate teachers used to mention that “In law, a contract is a binding legal agreement that is enforceable in a court of law or by binding arbitration. That is to say, a contract is an exchange of promises with a specific remedy for breach”.

Legal literature suggests that “all spoken contract should be called an oral contract, which might be considered a subset of verbal contracts. Any contract that uses words, spoken or written, is a

verbal contract”.

If one falls in love, shares feelings, verbally commits to a relationship, to me it’s just like any other contract, paper maybe missing "if comapred with marriage" but essence is same. On the other hand there are many who enters into "marriage" relationship, signs on legal documents yet get into infidelity.

A contract paper may have its value but to me relationship is beyond piece of paper, it’s all about honesty and commitment.

Many ‘including me’ believe that “marriage is a sacred contract, its like sharing your life with someone or giving yourself in a special way that we typically don’t do”. It’s like giving something to a partner that is only reserved for her or him.

How Much is Too Much??? No Affection in Public!!!

Showing affection and love in Public is taboo, that’s what many people believe, in our society it’s considered criminal. If a couple on Clifton beach in Karachi, tries to smooch, get close, hold hands, sit next to each other and see in the eyes, they may be inviting the risk of public and police harassment. Police may intervene and end up asking for Nikahnama ‘Marriage Certificate’!!! Such a sad society we live in , one can not show his or her affection, smallest bit of love, just holding hands makes people raise their eyebrows.

I fail to understand, how much is too much. Other day I had interesting discussion, few friends lament that they, at times feel like holding their loved one’s ‘wife or girl friend’ hand in public but everyone raises their eyebrows. My friends support public display of affection saying “Life is all about love, affection and small gesture makes a big difference”.

On the other hand, there are people who believe that seriously, what is cool about displaying affection in public? Is it not supposed to be something private and intimate? Why do some couples insist on sharing it with the entire world? One may agree that public display of affection starts with, a mother, holding her son and ending with two people making out. Most of the people still think about display in sexual way. Let me ask a question, what is wrong in holding hands for a while, a hug or a quick kiss and it depends how much is too much.

Very interesting discussion, I never knew, my married Pakistani friends miss so much displaying their affection to their wives or loved ones in public. They envy whenever they travel abroad. I guess cultural norms and values are not infinite, it is time to re-look and get comfortable with nature. We are humans, there should not be any harm in taking every chance to mean a little more to a person we love.

Men are NOT Monogamous by Nature!!!!

Last week I was amazed to be part of a discussion with my Pakistani friends about women and relationship. I was surprisingly walked away after listening to various thoughts and many convinced that a woman is merely a sex toy!!!! I was taken aback and started thinking about all that.

I have come to conclusion that men are sexually vulnerable. I am not saying as if I do not get enticed but I approach relationship beyond sex.

The discussions started, a married guy was stuck with his kid at a function and he was roaming around. The guy indicated to me that after having kids, one has to go through the hassle of looking after kids whereas mother opts for fun. Anyways, my reply was simple, if I don’t like looking after kids then I may not produce them.

After the discussion, many friends believed that if one doesn’t intend to produce kids then relationship with women is merely about sex. To me, a relationship is based on multi-dimension, which, to me is sharing commonalities and cherishing life be it a small moment to an intimate one. Lately, I shared an interesting fact with one of my female friend, it was bit surprising though, I noticed around me, 90% ‘not exaggerating’ of my married friends are not into monogamous relationship, most of them are informally into polygamy but rarely one would find any married women into polyandry. Ironically most of the guys boast about loudly. Whenever I talk about relationship, words like respect and intimacy comes in my mind, most of my friends simply laugh out loud and enforce a one night relationship and believe that its about physical relationship, rest is crap !!! I came across an interesting article it says “Men are NOT monogamous by nature, society forced them to be......for millions of years, men enjoyed sex with multiple partners, without any social pressure. Monogamy is a new phenomenon !!!!!”

Study says,“You see, in any animal species where there are few offspring born, and the infant mortality rate is high (as it is with gerbils, whales, dogs, giraffes and humans), the males are "wired" to seek multiple females for mating. This is how they help to insure that their genes get passed on to the next generation.

Interestingly, females are programmed to "pair bond" - that is, to try to create and sustain a monogamous relationship! By having a second adult around to protect, gather food, and raise their young, this is how females help to insure that THEIR genes get passed along as well!

In actuality pair bonding is a relatively new thing to humans - we've only been doing it for 5,000 years! Since we've been on this planet, (6 million years), we've been doing it "nature's way" for 99.92% of the time we've been here!

So, what does this have to do with porn or sex? You see, men (males) are compelled to try to mate with as many women (females) as possible. However, they want to try to meet the expectations of society by staying in committed, monogamous relationships too.

There are people believe that , don't try to force men to be monogamous - you're just going against nature, and his natural programming, and you know what happens when you try to fight nature - nature wins! Instead, simply be the woman for whom he chooses to be monogamous!”. Interesting read, give it a thought.

Why Women Cheat??

We have so far heard a lot about a man cheating a woman but these days it’s equally relevant for woman. A study says, “the differences in men and women cheating is that men often cheat for physical reasons while women often have emotional reasons for cheating on their partner”. It was interesting to learn that the reasons why women cheat include loneliness, revenge, boredom and self esteem.

Way back I read a book Men Are from Mars & Women from Venus, it is so relevant that both planet approach relationship differently. Lately i had various discussion with my friend, on the the subject of men and women cheating , recently, I came across an interesting read that describes Physical and Emotional Reasons behind cheating. Loneliness is one of the primary reasons that women seek out affairs and cheat on their partner. If a woman is not receiving the attention she feels she deserves in a relationship, she may be tempted to seek that attention elsewhere and become involved in an affair.

Revenge has also become and increasing factor in why women cheat. The modern woman is no longer willing to sit back and accept the fact that their partner may cheat on them. If a woman confirms or even just holds a suspicion that their partner is cheating on them, they may be driven to engage in an affair of their own as an act of revenge.

Boredom may also factor into why women cheat. Their current relationship may have fallen into a rut and lost the excitement that it possessed in the early stages of its existence. Another reason why women cheat is a lack of self esteem. Women may feel that they are not getting an adequate amount of admiration from their partner and they may be tempted to cheat to affirm that they are still attractive and desirable. Men are not the only ones who cheat on their partners. It is becoming more and more common for women to be guilty of cheating. While women are beginning to cheat as often as men the reasons why women cheat are much different than the reasons why men cheat. The reasons for women cheating are tied tightly to emotional reasons .

Study finding is so relevant that even one can trace the same reasons in every society, be it Pakistani or any other.

Elusive Love, Romance or Chemical Cocktail!

Whenever I think about my past love encounter, it makes me think, is it deep inner spontaneous feeling for girl or just a chemical cocktail driving the love forward. There are people who believe that love is a drug, hmmm yes it makes people do all kind of crazy things, its sort of intoxication…..hmmm when I look back, yeees I lament how stupid I were, bending the knees for love, to pamper & make love happy, treating her activities above mine…. At least I have learned one thing, no more stupidity, no more love, enough……let me try to find answers behind my stupidity: P i.e., falling in LOVE ;-) Lately, I came across an article in prestigious scientific journal Nature, Professor Young argues that love can be explained by a series of neurochemical events in specific brain areas. If it is true, he says, people will no longer have to rely on oysters or chocolates to create a loving mood.

All my friends, get rid of spending money on calorie filled unhealthy chocolate for love, listen to the love chemistry, am sure the owner of Zamzama, chocolate parlor would curse me :P

Study says, in future, it will be possible for scientists to develop aphrodisiacs - chemicals that would make people fall in love with the first person they see. Wow….falling in love with Kareena Kapoor, hmmm what about Katrina Kaif, hot Piryanka ;-) if you like BBW Big Busty Women, what about falling in love with Fat Lollywood babe SAIMA :P And for those who have fallen in love with someone they shouldn't have fallen in love with, an antidote to unrequited love, would be available…Hmmm if you think…oooops wrong person, let chemistry come to rescue….i was hooked to wrong person, I lament, there was no chemistry to rescue me hmmm one can hope for future ‘rescue chemistry: P”

There is even the prospect of a genetic "love test" to assess whether two potential love birds are predisposed to a happy married life. Guys, go through love test, before signing marriage contract “i.e., NIKAH” :) On the other hand, Poets would have us believe that love is one of those things that are beyond understanding…to me they are CRAZY….. There are scientists they believe that oxytocin is responsible for love, “It may actually enhance our ability to form relationships, and so it is a very real possibility that something like oxytocin could be used in conjunction with marital therapies to bring back love spark."

There are already perfumes on the market containing oxytocin; in future love drugs would also find en-route to body….jump off, you all LAILA & MAJNOOOs. Professor Bostrom believes that it will become increasingly possible to manipulate the neurological mechanisms that play a role in romantic attachment. Wow, go on a date use oxytocin perfumes or get girl oxytocin related drink, wow ready made love…………..forget about poetry….its chemistry….

I have learned one thing, dude its material world, love has to have a price tag, to be bought through using right chemistry……

What Gets in the Way of Us Connecting with Others?

I came across an interesting read, it is so true that expectation hamper the true humanly connection...yes.

It is Expectation. When we are expecting, we are not connecting - we are just waiting for affirmation. To really connect, to really relate, we need to be open and not just be looking to get our buttons massaged. Expectation is a kind of contraction.

Contracting is fear, and fear certainly blocks communication.

To truly sit in our most authentic place and let our games take a holiday...to really open our hearts...to truly see another....deeply....we also need to come from a place of not-knowing when we know all the answers, there's no room for discovery, no room for listening.

Heart. ah the heart. to open our hearts, to move through this complex, crazy, painful world, with our hearts wide open, knowing that we have room for everyone - cause our hearts are infinite chambers...to let go the past and all the rejections and the hurts and every time we were not seen or did not see to let go all the lifetimes of pain and rejection...to let it go, but not to deny it...not to lose our power and protection but to be strong and open and vulnerable at the same time....and meet each other right here, right now, not somewhere else - not later, and not earlier, just now.

oh to love like we were born to love. what if we could all just start doing that. can you imagine this world? if the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker would really look you in the eye with gods eyes looking at your eyes of god...if every interaction was a little tongue lick from one spark of divinity to another....how tasty this world would be!!!!

Past Haunts…… Its Irksome Feeling……

I have learned to live in present and to enjoy every bit of life, every minute, every hour, every day…. enjoy and live to the fullest. ….also learned to agree that life is too short to be nostalgic.

Also learned to develop a personal value system that is based on the belief system of being original… being true to self and to others no matter what society thinks. Listen to inner voice and act upon inner vibes.

At times one may feels as if one is being detached from reality, being individualistic and living in a shell of self denial and social isolation….but to me happiness lies in being true to self and listening to inner voice.

At times I struggle with relationship, materialism and past vague vibes leading to emotional agony.

I have also learned that every relationship is like a journey, one meets other… on the way, talk, share and part away when destination arrives. Move on with another journey and meet others, keeps going…..

But at times one feels that it’s the journey of lifetime ……leading to same destination and one continue with other as partner…….bitter reality check suggests that it is naivety ….material quest reign superior over emotions, intangibles and care….thoughts change, plan change, worth change…..

We live in a material world, human worth is measured with the length of the car, house and digits on salary slip as well the organization and designation…. how cruel the material world is!!!!!! Believe you me it is a nasty reality check. Hmmm it is called bitter truth known as practical way of living.

Past has made me scared of taking initiative in any future relationship......

At times I think…Hey world please stop, I want to get out…..you are too material…and I am too humane to live in material milieu.